.Thursday, June 02, 2005 ' 8:05 pm Y
Stupid.
seriously stupid of me.
argued over a guy.
didnt even gt my facts rite.
insulted a gurl i hardly knew.
despised her.
such enmity.
When we cud haf been frens.
well we did.4 awhile.
den we fought again.
wad did i get in d end?
nuthin.
i even left d guy i fought 4.
Didnt like d way i handled things den.
super childish.
sheesh.
Dats wad happened b4.
sumthin i tot i nvr wanna tok abt anymore.
bt i wanna clear d air 4 now.n i'll nvr tok abt diz again.Yes i admit i was wrong in many ways.
I dumped him.
he hu loved me more den his own life.
hurt himself many times bcuz of me.
he hu wud do anything n everything 4 me.
sacrificed so much 4 me.
understood me.
gave in 2 my demands.
n made me d happiest gurl 4 a year n 4mths.
wad exactly happened dat ended everything?
like i mentioned in my previous entry,
my feelings 4 him died overnite.
totally.
i remembered d time i met him at bedok int.
n we went 2 our fav spot near my hse.
he was so affectionate 2 me.
bt i was...distant?
it was scary how suddenly i didnt feel anything 4 him no more.
cruel.
i didnt feel a thing.
den der was d otha guys in d picture.
a few whom i gave my number 2.
ok go ahead.
say BITCH.
i dunnoe wad i was doing.realli.
i was distracted.
yes i was.
maybe dats y my feelings 4 my own bf faded.
bt i didnt like diz guys.
i went out wif dem even when im still attached.
so i decided 2 b single.
not 2 enjoy my teenage life.
not bcuz of d arguement me n him had dat day.
bt bcuz i dun feel anything 4 him anymore.
n dat i didnt wanna continue 2 bastard him dat way.
its better 2 let go of him.
den 2 tw0-time him.
true?
dated guys freely after dat.
was a total bitch.
i noe i didnt say nice stuff 2 him when we broke up.
bt tink again.
ive hurt him enuff.
i shudnt say stuff onli 2 comfort him
n set him thinking dat derz still a chance 4 us 2 b 2gether again.
i didnt wanna make empty promises.
ive hurt him enuff.
so i left juz like dat.
didnt say anything much.
else i'd hurt him even more.
Den i met nizam.
he found out i was single n asked 4 my number straight away.
my sis had a chat wif me.
tellin me abt my mistakes.
wad d hell was i doing.
how she didnt like d way i was den.
it was a talk dat went straight 2 my head.
n den i realised.
i shud change.
she told me so much abt nizam.
n encouraged me 2 get 2 noe him better.
she tinks he's exactly wad i needed den.
n she was rite.
told myself.
no more fooling arnd.
im gonna change.
wif his help.
wif my sis' help.
enuff of everything dat ive done.
felt so guilty.
so so guilty.
i told myself.d only way im gonna get over diz guilt.
is 2 treat my nxt bf d way he deserves 2 b treated.
2 cherish n love him like a proper gf wud.
im sure sum will find it hard 2 believe.
bt den again,its up 2 u 2 judge.
im changing.a step at a time.
i love nizam.
truly.n dats all dat matters.
funni how we 1st met.
it was hari raya last yr.
most revenge peepz were at my hse.
when dey left,
khai told my sis abt nizam wanting 2 get 2 noe me.
lol.
didnt take it seriously.
he was attached den.
so was i.
i was sure he was juz joking.
d nxt meetin?
Bernie's BFD.
new year's eve.
he was single.
i wasnt,still.
even brought my bf along.
i remembered talkin 2 nizam d nite b4.
on d phone.
he was asking me if i wud b cumin d followin nite.
always wanting 2 talk 2 me each time i called my sis.
hahaz.
after i broke up wif my ex.
dated sum1 den.
bt i still gt 2 noe nizam abit better.
chosed him over d other.=)
nxt thing we knew,we were attached..
ta-da~
we haf alot in common.
gr8 chemistry indeed.
was attracted 2 his style.
his charisma.
his sense of humour.
his romantic n caring nature.
yup.
not his
bike.n no.
i didnt leave my ex 4 nizam.
shall consider myself lucky..
fucking lucky.
2 tink i hurt so many ppl
n i still am blessed 2 haf diz ppl arnd me.
nizam.
n d other 4 ppl i gt 2 noe n am gdfrens wif.
d ladies.=)
hu's always been der 4 me.
in gd times n bad.
how i enjoyed every single outing we had 2gether.
n my sista.
she was d one hu knocked sum sense in2 my head.
luv ya loads sis.
muuaacks.
so im happy.
sumtimes i wonder how he's doing.
i noe he hates me.
im nt gonna beg 4 4giveness
still i wud like 2 apologize.
im so sori 4 wad i did.
bt i noe he'll b happy soon.
sum1 better will cum along no doubt.=)
n im nt gonna dwell on my past.
wads past is past.
im nvr turning back.
im concentrating on my present wif nizam.n my future.
as 4 khad n shalih..
guess i owe u 2 an apology to0..
sori 4 all d trouble i created in d past..
was shocked when khad tagged.
tot she hated me to0.
howells.
glad u guys r happy 2.
still goin strong aye.
all d best!
so u c..
ive been thru alot despite my age.
diz is onli part of my story.derz more.
i know alot abt relationships i guess.
so ppl cannt fool me.
i understand exactly how both d guy n d gal feel at most parts of their relationship.
i noe y gurls do certain stuff 2 guys.
n vice-versa.
maybe dats y im d luv doctaa.
lol.
i noe diz entry is superrrr straight-forward.
n 0pen.
i cant believe im announcing 2 d whole world abt diz.
HECK.
i need 2 get it off my chest.
oh n its kinda long huh.hee.
so i was wrong.i CAN let go of grudges .
Ladysweet Yani